So its been a while...

Its been quite a long time since I blogged. Over a year obviously. I don't know if anyone reads this anymore and that's ok. Just sort of needed to get it going again to filter some of my own thoughts.

2009 was both wonderful & tough on us. Many wonderful moments spent with the joy of our lives, our blessing, our son, Ethan. He fills every corner of our home with love, laughter & smiles. Who could ask for more?

But we've had some frustrating moments, some stressful moments & some sad moments too. And while 2009 ended on a high & happy note, 2010 has started on a sad one. And it has left us confused, angry, and wondering what the whole year has in store from us when it starts this way.

We know we want to move in this year, we hope that we can sell our house & finally move on as 2009 felt like a LOT of waiting in limbo, discontentment and wondering where we will go next.

It really feels like God has been silent to us for a long time. While we know we are surrounded by His blessings daily, I can't help but sing the words "He gives & takes away" over & over a lot lately. I get the giving... I don't get the taking away, the silence, the leaving us wondering! Its easy to get wrapped up in the silence & the taking away or the denying. I know the blessings are there too. I see it in the precious blue eyes of my child 100x a day, in the smile of my husband, in the coziness & love that flows thru our little house. I feel it in our bubble... but it feels like it too could be gone in a heartbeat, in a whisper, in a blink if I'm not greatful for it every minute. And I am. But... it seems the desires of our hearts are getting squashed over & over again. We are afraid to want. Afraid to dream. Afraid to make new goals. Afraid of the 'taking away'

I'm not as strong as Job. I'm having a hard time 'praising in the storm'. My patience for many things is getting weaker & weaker. I suppose its forcing me to live in and love the moment. But the future is out there, whether we plan or dream about it or not.

And what's in the future. Inevitable world suffering, sin, death, plagues, disturbances, terrorism, destruction... it seems so bleak. Not that I would give up the present knowing what's in store for this earth in the future but it does make me stop & take stock. What should our next step be as Christians? How should we be preparing for this coming future? Sitting in a pew singing songs? On bended knee praying for peace? Or preparing for the battle that is to be ours? I think we're asked to prepare. Praying is part of it for sure... but peace is not what we should be asking for, I think we need to be asking for strength and wisdom. The only peace will come much later. I don't think Christians will have a meek roll in these coming times. I don't think our God calls us to be armed only with a message of salvation.

See, so many thoughts of the future coupled with living in the present. It feels so contradictory. Lawrence & I talk about THAT future a lot & wonder what our roll will be when the going starts to get really tough for this planet. And yet... we face daily battles in our present and seek out our daily blessings to keep us focused on the good instead of just the bad.

So, I guess I'm just thinking about this coming year, hoping for clarity, hoping for God's voice, His direction and less of His silence. We've asked for Him in 2009 to shout at us, we've listened for the quiet voice and heard neither. So, I guess I need to find a new way to listen in 2010.